Mummy Does the biggest Poo Poos, Parenting done right

Posted by Blokeman on October 9, 2014 under General Bloke Stuff, Observations, Women | Be the First to Comment

It is amazing how quickly your world quickly revolves entirely around your child, gone are the days of parties every week, staying out all night, lots of disposable income and just general irresponsibility. This all becomes replaced quickly with a deep desire to sleep whenever you can. You miss the days where you were able to sleep in until all hours and behave in any way that suited you. You were on your own schedule and now are on the schedule of another being who seems to have boundless energy and a desire for your attention all day every day. Read more of this article »

How did you get there?

Posted by Blokeman on February 4, 2008 under General Bloke Stuff | Be the First to Comment

My girlfriend and I had some people over to our house the other weekend, there were quite a few there, in fact in total there were probably 15, now all things being said and done, I will admit there was some consumption of alcohol, exactly how much i am unwilling to say, because I don’t remember which should give you a clue.

Now all these people over lead me at the end of the event to think one thing?

Just how did someone manage to get splatters of shit, just below the toilet seat on the inside, above where the water comes out through the flushing mechanism.

The only way that I can possibly think that this would occur is that the person sat forward, kind of on all fours in a weird doggy style position, with the specific intention of spray painting the back of my seat. Either that or they hovered somewhere several feet above the bowl and let fly a shade of brown that I can only describe as curdled chocolate.

Now said event was a party that my girlfriend had planned and arranged for her friends, this meaning, quite simply, that the silent war of “It was your party, that’s your shit to clean up” ensued, until miraculously I returned yesterday to find a newly and freshly white bowl.

Seriously, can anyone suggest how this shit smear could have got there?

Toilet behavior

Posted by Blokeman on January 17, 2008 under General Bloke Stuff | 2 Comments to Read

For those that know me well and on a personal level, they know that bathroom hygiene is a topic close to my heart, and one that I am passionate about, in face many of them have likely suffered and ear beating about washing their hands after using the facilities.

However this is in a slightly different line of thought and more towards certain behavior and  faux pas, in general just observations I have made in my many hours I have spent in there avoiding work.

I remember a time when I use to avidly avoid what i call the social shit, this is the situation where you use a public toilet. Years of working in an office have slowly whittled this fear away and I am now somewhat normal in this sense. However I still don’t understand those shameless few that can take a crap whilst there is a person crapping in the cubical right next to them. The reality is for all but a flimsy bit of chipboard you are at arms reach away from each other, yet they sit their straining and farting and having a good clean out with no shame what so ever.

In this situation I freeze, I even almost panic, i certainly can not get my bowels to move and spew forth my waste. This “deer in the headlights” reaction however poses me with a rather unique dilemma, one which triggers an inner turmoil for which I fight almost daily.
Do I sit and listen to them going for glory, in all its disgustingness, hearing their noises and breathing their anal fumes…..or do I halt my proceedings snap off what is left, wipe said excess, wash hands and exit the bathroom not fully satisfied, and plan a return in a quieter period of  play. or as a final option do I join in the chorus, build to a crescendo of air ripping bass and animalistic noises, that would do a timpani Orchestra proud.

The option that I generally go for here is freeze, sweat dripping from my brow as I clench cheeks and try to prevent that “rip and pop” dance track from my back passage, I figure how embarrassing.

Worse still is the exit from the bathroom, there is nothing worse in my book that having to crap with someone in the room, but it can be only matched by wiping away, standing adjusting trow and exiting with a satisfied look on your face as another member of staff strolls in and chokes back on their gag reflex due to your fumes, your face goes red as you head to the basin, wash your hands and run off to cry at your desk, certain that your office social career will be forever doomed with the time “I went to the bathroom after you”, oh the shame!

But wait, here is some bonus for you. Personally I hate to not be occupied with some activity as tiny as that may be, so generally i see a visit to the porcelain telephone a good opportunity to catch up on some reading or to play a game on my mobile phone. The problem here generally I plop away, finish but before getting up I “Have to finish this chapter” or I have to get passed this level and so on, the end result being a 15 – 20 minute bathroom visit, I stand after completing my hygiene routine, only to find that my foot or leg has gone to sleep, so I have to exit the bathroom trying to disguise a quite visible limp, what must go through their heads, especially when someone enters as you exit the cubicle satisfied smile on your face and a rather dodgy limp……..

The final thing that I would like to mention today is Urinal etiquette,  whilt I know everyone has a fair idea on these and that everyone sticks to them more or less and I do not wish to re-hash old ideas, in my office building in the bathroom there are 2 wall unit urinals which means 2 places to piss, however, one is in an alcove and the other is directly next to this, which means that if I use the one in the alcove, and someone stands next to me in the other one, I will have to wait for them to complete their task at hand before I am able to move away from the urinal and wash my hands and exit. So people if you are ever in my building or in a bathroom with a similar set-up can we all acknowledge the fact, that although there are two wall units, it really is a one person facility…please…..please….please (as you can guess this happened to me recently, and I still feel dirty, hollow and dead inside.)