Grasshopper, Rhinoceros beetles, Praying Mantis…..what next

Posted by Blokeman on September 4, 2008 under General Bloke Stuff | Read the First Comment

Every day I become more and more surprised at the wildlife around me in this new home state of mine, and that people do not live in constant fear of being attacked and eaten by grasshoppers and their entourage of insanely huge insect buddies that roam in gangs around the neighborhood with a blood lust and evil intent.

I am sure you may have read in the past my various post on grasshoppers and their pure evil that emanates from them in every waking moment of their horrible lives.

Well recently the family of bugs invading my work sanctuary known as “The office” which is a room that has been built as part of the garage. I suspect the cat has something to do with it still, but as of yet I can’t prove it, though she has taken to sleeping on my underwear in the cupboard and surprising me when I go to grab a fresh pair in the morning. All part of her plan for world domination I am sure.

Recently there has been a Praying Mantis about the size of  an iPhone perched on the screen door to the office, every time I walk past it rocks back and forth ready to pounce at my jugular. I took a photo, but haven’t had a chance to upload it so stay tuned for photo’s of my friend Sticky!.

Then last Saturday night as we sat there watching a movie we heard one of our dogs alerting us to the presence of game, after all Cav’s were hunting dogs at one stage. His alert bark was then drowned out by an almighty hissing.
“My god” I thought to myself, “what has he got there, a cat the size of a mountain lion?”

Rhino the Rhinoceros beetle

So out I trudged to check it out, and what did I find, a massive Rhinoceros Beetle, laying on it’s back with my dogs looking at it with curiosity. Then I heard it hiss, it was this “tiny” beetle about the size of a golf ball making a noise that sounded like a cat hissing. Not impressed I quickly grabbed a jar and imprisoned the little angry bugger to show my fiance who was stuck on the couch with a broken leg. The little bugger wouldn’t stop hissing, so he took a vacation over the fence, and let me tell you he sounded like a golf ball hitting the ground too!

What next?

Cane Toads I assume!

Grasshoppers, did you know they bite?

Posted by Blokeman on December 7, 2007 under General Bloke Stuff | 12 Comments to Read

Look, I am not scared to admit it, but some things just creep me out. As much as being a bloke is important, somethings just don’t fall under that umbrella, and to me that is Grasshoppers. These creepy disgusting insects, are quite clearly the spawn of Satan and should be eradicated from this earth or at least treated with a fair amount of disdain and CAUTION.

My mates oft find it bizarre that I can fear and dislike these things so much but little do they know, these bastards bite!

Not only do they bite, I am sure not many of you have seen this but they also have this horrible weird brown penis like extension that comes out near its stomach and probes around, if it is a dick, well these bastards are well hung as well.

I use to be a normal kid and have no fear of grasshoppers, insects, spiders and all the stuff boys get into, then sometime in my late teens and early twenties, I was living in a flat with my then girlfriend, a flat I like to call Grasshopper Place. Why? Because it seems they were the actual lease holders of the flat and not us. There were hundreds of the creepy little freaks. There you would be minding your own business asleep and happy for it, then you would wake up, open your eyes only to be met by the evil red eyes of anywhere up to 10 grasshoppers looking at you with an interest that can only be described as carnivorous. They weren’t small either, the smalles would have been around 5cm long with a rage in it’s eyes. They would jump at you randomly, bite you and rub their penis extension on you with delight. 6 months I spent in grasshopper hell, 6 months!

So reasons to hate Grashoppers:
1 – They bite
2 – They jump at you in the middle of the night
3 – They rub their penis thing all over you
4 – They are better endowed than me.