For some reason over the past two weeks I have had two separate friends mention their plans to propose to their girlfriends and all the wonderful romantic plans that they had, but I couldn’t help but notice the tone in their voice, a tone that sounded like they wish they didn’t have to buy that big fuck off ring, or at the very least could just go “hey love how about it” over a bowl of popcorn in front of a movie on the couch.

Well it got me thinking about it all and thinking back to the time I proposed to my ex-fiance (if I can be bothered I will put the story down another time) and how much I spent on that proposal, 1 night that is pretty much a forgotten memory somewhere in the “mistakes” pile of my memory, I can’t help but think the money I put down on that ring, plus the money spent just on the night, would have been better put towards, paying off my car, buying consumer goods I don’t really need or hell even burning it.

Eventually my thoughts wandered onto where and why we go to such extravagances to ask our partner to marry us and essentially who isto blame for all of this free for all spending and “romance” or even this ideal of romance that is so ingrained in all of us, dangerously and more so in women. You know who I blame? I blame Hollywood. That’s right, everyone else does for some thing or another, so I am damn well jumping on that bandwagon.

Every movie dating back years has been filled with ridiculous romantic notions and tried to show the softer side of men, but I tell you in medievil times when we were all pretty much living in, and smelling of pig shit, romance was something that were for the aristocratic poncey class, whilst the rest of us were pretty much left to say “How about it love” after first sticking down our hair with the spit from our mouths.

It may interest some of you blokes to know this, and even to subtly inform your lady friend of the same. I shall share with you one of the more popular beliefs as to how the engagement/wedding ring came into being, and hope that this will help to shed the shackles of the romance and mystery to the whole thing, so blokes sit down, relax and read.

The History of the Rings

Hollywood will have you believe that it is a romantic notion, and that spending a crap load of your hard earned crust is a symbol of dedication to your dishwasher, I mean partner.
However the truth is a whole lot more sinister, and the popular theory and belief of the rings origins stems from the era of the caveman, the belief is that a chord was used to bind the womans hands and feet so that she could not escape, or run away. It is well known that cavemen were all about bonking a chick over the head and dragging them off to his nice cosy cave. Being a typical bloke, he didn’t want his Sheila running off and skiving on the cave cleaning duties, so he bound her hands and feet, then as he grew in trust that she would not run away, the bindings were only tied around her hands, and finally when he was sure she would stay the it was reduced to only a single chord tied around the finger, as a reminder of his possession over her and that she could be bound again at any time.

Mmmm romantic hey fellas and women. It was all about slavery and ownership.
How do you like them apples?

So ladies forget this romantic rubbish that Hollywood have pushed into your head, and when you dream about the day your man proposes to you, don’t think about how romantic it is, remember that you are accepting the original symbol of servitude and sexual slavery.

And blokes out there, don’t worry about the romance, hell if you don’t want to don’t worry about the ring, just say “look I respect you too much to place a symbol of slavery on your finger and I don’t want to disrespect you by honoring such a sick and twisted tradition, so I respectfully as that you will marry me” and blah blah blah

Screw the romance, screw Hollywood and screw diamond rings!