Posted by Blokeman on August 12, 2011 under General Bloke Stuff | 
When I grew up I was taught from a young age, that being male came with the benefits, one of those is that the world is my urinal. I remember as a young fella, being at the beach, park or wherever with the family and needing some relief. Upon informing my parents, I would always be told to just “go over there” and this was not something unique to me or my family. Even to this day it isn’t a rare site to see a kid standing proudly and peeing in the bushes, I guess the only difference is that, nowadays I am old enough to know better, and be fined for public urination.
As I grew older I tended to become as you would expect, somewhat wiser, and as you would expect, I learned the ability to control my bladder better, and hold out for a suitable location to relieve myself.
However, 4 years ago I moved to Queensland, Australia, and in doing so have come to realise, that either Queenslanders are not taught to use toilets, or they truly believe in the saying “The world is my Urinal”.
My first introduction to this was at a BBQ of some people we had only recently met and, obviously after a number of beers, I needed to use the bathroom, being the surprisingly polite person that I am, I asked the host, where their bathroom was.
“Mate just go anywhere over there” he replied, with a sweeping movement of his arm indicating some 200+ Square metres of land in which to urinate.
“nah seriously man, I am not going to piss in your yard” I replied
“Poof” he said, as he proceeded to walk over to his fence and just start pissing on it…….
When in Rome I figure, and found my own fence paling to paint yellow.
However I could never quite shake the feeling that I was doing something wrong, at every party and opportunity I still prefer to use the toilet rather than someones yard.
What strikes me as amusing though is that at my last house some of my Queensland friends would walk past the toilet to go piss in yard. I mean seriously, why walk past, and further than the toilet to piss, or worst still was another friend, who at times would piss, just outside the toilet window in the garden……crazy man.
I guess, it’s better than pissing in the spare bedroom….but that’s another story altogether……
Posted by Blokeman on February 7, 2010 under General Bloke Stuff |
Long had I held the suspicion that the little golden ring that was placed upon a ladies finger, held magical powers, powers such as the ability to utter “Where’s my dinner” and still manage to get dinner, keep your teeth and sleep in your own bed. But alas men, don’t be fooled, that little golden ring, is but another shackle for women to place upon you.
“Do you see a ring on this finger” was a phrase made popular by Eddie Murphy, and it left a generation of men sitting there, believing that the outlandish shit proposed by our dear friend eddie, would all be possible once we placed that little slither upon our fair ladies hand…….but no men…don’t believe it, it’s just a way for your bitch to show that she owns you.
It’s been one week and Blokeman has has lost a massive part of his blokiness, well to an extent anyway.
Thankfully blokewife…..or as she has been known for the last week “Wifey” understands what it means to a blokeman to be a bloke, and a wonderous thing happened this week, you see Wifey works in advertising sales, and this week she visited a homebrew beer store, in here region trying to sell some advertising in her paper. Oldmate, and an honoury blokeman legend and possibly someone more blokey than I, managed to get Wifey to have a free glass of homebrew beer, enough that she came home telling me she enjoyed it. Now there is an upside and a downside to this
1) UPSIDE:Wifey can handle drinking beer
2) DOWNSIDE: Wifey may want to drink MY beer….there was nothing in our vows about that though
So me and Mr Homebrew need to have a word about priorities and a man’s beer is his beer and not Wifeys. But one thing I have to praise the man for is that when Wifey was in there he showed her the “Keginator” and wifey said that once we have paid off the last of the wedding, she is taking me in there to get one and a full keg setup…….oh how I love homebrew man now 
Posted by Blokeman on March 31, 2009 under General Bloke Stuff |
It was bound to happen sooner or later, but you would have thought that uprooting myself and my partner to move 1300kms north away from any reasonable career opportunities just so my partner could be closer to her family would have earned me a little more than 10 months leeway, but apparently not.
So 2 weekends back there I was minding my own business, well actually we rushed back from the shops as the mother in law had arrived at our house, so that we could meet up with her, putting a dampener on the plans we already had. She brought her little dog with her, and I use the term loosely. It is a tea cup Pomeranian, nuff said.
Now I will be the first to admit that I am not the biggest fan of this “Dog” but I tolerate it as I do all animals, however this is what I was greeted with
1 – I sit down the dog jumps on my lap, covered in pee where it had wet itself, I shove it off and go wash my hands and change clothes
2 – I go inside and my partner lets the dog in. It pees on the rug. I clean it up and sit down to watch the football
3 – I catch the thing pissing on my carpet!!!!! I yell at it and tell it to get out. Granted not in nice tones, but 3 strikes, come on, don’t piss on my carpet, the dog is over a year old it should be over that and I would have thought after I had said it pissed on the rug, the matter would have been resolved by the dog being removed from the house.
But no. It proceeds to piss on the carpet, and I caught it right as it was starting to pee. So I yelled at it, with a sound of utter contempt in my voice and shooed it from the house.
This has greatly upset the inlaws, and we are currently not on speaking terms, I have to keep reminding my partner that the dog is a dog and not a child, the dog does no rationalise, it knows it did something wrong, something very wrong, and if it is ever in my house again will think twice about pissing on my carpet.
The thing that irks me is that I am being treated like I yelled at a 3 year old child, I didnt even yell that loud, I just did the standard “uh-uh” and “Outside, get outside NOW” shit what a terrible thing to say, how dare I yell at a dog. I cant stand people that treat their animals as if they are human, they are animals, with no rationale, just instinctual.
I guess the silver lining is that I wont have to bother yelling at the dog for a while, because I am barred from seeing it because I “Hate it, obviously”……no I hate animal piss on my carpet!
