Join the Fight Against: Comfortable Cow Syndrome

Posted by Blokeman on November 7, 2008 under General Bloke Stuff, Serious Side, Women | 4 Comments to Read

This is a delicate subject to broach but one that must be mentioned, I also want to quickly put it out there, that this is about my past and not my present, but something someone mentioned to me about their life, and an observation I shared, my friend didn’t have a name for it but CCS is a well known phenomenon and all men need to be aware of this in order to either make your life easier through expectation or to fight it off, but be aware we will all be confronted with it at once stage.

So I guess here is the optimal spot to actually explain what CCS or Comfortable Cow Syndrome is.

Comfortable Cow Syndrome: The Comfortable Cow Syndrome is the name given to the weight that is gained by females when they enter into a serious relationship. CCS usually shows early signs around the 6 month mark of a relationship, in the early stages the signs are often not always obvious, especially if cohabitation is not yet apart of the relationship, but increasing amounts of chocolate wrappers and increasing apathy on the part of your female companion often become more obvious in this early development stages, though your companion will oft tell you a suitable reason, this is only the start, and reading these signs could save you embarrassment down the line.

The middles stages of the syndrome often make themselves known with a higher frequency of the following comments.

“Do I look fat in this?” and “Does this make me look fat?” (To which the correct males reply should be “It’s not the clothes that are making you look fat”)

Further comments that whilst they may seem harmless on first appearance, and are oft mistakenly waved away as the female love of shopping are:

“None of my clothes fit anymore, I need to go buy new ones”

This should be an immediate red flag, and the savvy and experienced man should immediately reply with “Your clothes don’t fit, because you have packed on a few (your chosen weight denomination), perhaps you should put the money towards a gym membership”
Offering to pay for the gym membership is often a way to help, but you need to be sure the financial loss with be worth the kilogram loss, it may just be better and easier at this point to trade your partner in for a younger, trimmer version with a willingness toward sexual exploration.

The final signs, don’t need to be mentioned in great detail, if you have been there you know them, they usually involve a lot of cake, junk food and the licking of every plate in the room after dinner and a hungry eying off of the dogs dinner sitting by the back door.

At this stage it is mission critical, your sex life has likely dwindled and although you think seals are cute and elephants mildly amusing, attractive is not a word that you would use and if it is, then you are way beyond my help.

Generally once you hit this stage your options are very few, though there are ways that you can get things back to wear you wanted, I will offer a couple, but you take what you want out of it and use them at your own peril.

1 – Constant belittlement and ridicule. I find this works well and serves the double purpose of ruining your partners self esteem altogether therefore, meaning your suggestions in bed are less likely tto be refused. Start out with little names, and within a short time period (I like to give it 3 hours) start your full on assault, try naming her Fatty Fat Fat Fatson, and every time she gets up, have the Baby Elephant Walk handy to be played. Jokingly holding on to the furniture and walls as if the Earth is shaking when she walks also works well in this method

2 – “break the car” you don’t have to actually break it, just pull the starter motor wires or something, and tell her it’s broken, sure it means you have to walk too, but some pain is worth it, suggest she walk to work, or better yet, just push her along until she walks of her own accord. Even making  hat with some cake dangling off the front is worth a shot.

3 – Remove all food from the house and replace it with bread and water and vegetables, take her money and credit cards and force her onto this Gulag diet. Don’t forget to stock your toolbox and shed with whatever nourishment you require just in case

There are plenty more ideas out there, and I would love to hear some. But join me in the fight against CCS. I will looking at starting this effort soon, something akin to the spread Firefox logos etc, I expect to see people and sites everywhere with the soon to be released “I joined the fight against Comfortable Cow Syndrome” Moo logo’s, so get involved and rid the world of this horrible debilitating syndrome.

And remember, keep an eye out for the signs, catch them early and you should be fine, no longer will it be “Stop, drop, roll”, but instead “Stop,! You  have Rolls”

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