Toilet behavior

Posted by Blokeman on January 17, 2008 under General Bloke Stuff | Read the First Comment

For those that know me well and on a personal level, they know that bathroom hygiene is a topic close to my heart, and one that I am passionate about, in face many of them have likely suffered and ear beating about washing their hands after using the facilities.

However this is in a slightly different line of thought and more towards certain behavior and  faux pas, in general just observations I have made in my many hours I have spent in there avoiding work.

I remember a time when I use to avidly avoid what i call the social shit, this is the situation where you use a public toilet. Years of working in an office have slowly whittled this fear away and I am now somewhat normal in this sense. However I still don’t understand those shameless few that can take a crap whilst there is a person crapping in the cubical right next to them. The reality is for all but a flimsy bit of chipboard you are at arms reach away from each other, yet they sit their straining and farting and having a good clean out with no shame what so ever.

In this situation I freeze, I even almost panic, i certainly can not get my bowels to move and spew forth my waste. This “deer in the headlights” reaction however poses me with a rather unique dilemma, one which triggers an inner turmoil for which I fight almost daily.
Do I sit and listen to them going for glory, in all its disgustingness, hearing their noises and breathing their anal fumes…..or do I halt my proceedings snap off what is left, wipe said excess, wash hands and exit the bathroom not fully satisfied, and plan a return in a quieter period of  play. or as a final option do I join in the chorus, build to a crescendo of air ripping bass and animalistic noises, that would do a timpani Orchestra proud.

The option that I generally go for here is freeze, sweat dripping from my brow as I clench cheeks and try to prevent that “rip and pop” dance track from my back passage, I figure how embarrassing.

Worse still is the exit from the bathroom, there is nothing worse in my book that having to crap with someone in the room, but it can be only matched by wiping away, standing adjusting trow and exiting with a satisfied look on your face as another member of staff strolls in and chokes back on their gag reflex due to your fumes, your face goes red as you head to the basin, wash your hands and run off to cry at your desk, certain that your office social career will be forever doomed with the time “I went to the bathroom after you”, oh the shame!

But wait, here is some bonus for you. Personally I hate to not be occupied with some activity as tiny as that may be, so generally i see a visit to the porcelain telephone a good opportunity to catch up on some reading or to play a game on my mobile phone. The problem here generally I plop away, finish but before getting up I “Have to finish this chapter” or I have to get passed this level and so on, the end result being a 15 – 20 minute bathroom visit, I stand after completing my hygiene routine, only to find that my foot or leg has gone to sleep, so I have to exit the bathroom trying to disguise a quite visible limp, what must go through their heads, especially when someone enters as you exit the cubicle satisfied smile on your face and a rather dodgy limp……..

The final thing that I would like to mention today is Urinal etiquette,  whilt I know everyone has a fair idea on these and that everyone sticks to them more or less and I do not wish to re-hash old ideas, in my office building in the bathroom there are 2 wall unit urinals which means 2 places to piss, however, one is in an alcove and the other is directly next to this, which means that if I use the one in the alcove, and someone stands next to me in the other one, I will have to wait for them to complete their task at hand before I am able to move away from the urinal and wash my hands and exit. So people if you are ever in my building or in a bathroom with a similar set-up can we all acknowledge the fact, that although there are two wall units, it really is a one person facility…please…..please….please (as you can guess this happened to me recently, and I still feel dirty, hollow and dead inside.)