The days and Weeks go by

Posted by Blokeman on January 31, 2008 under General Bloke Stuff | Be the First to Comment

You know sometimes the days and weeks go by, and I just do not have a thought to put down for you all, then other times an hour will go by where I have 4 posts just sitting in my head.

Maybe it is because I have been so busy of late and life has just been wearily ordinary of late, that I just can not muster enough words to form even a comic sentence let alone paragraph upon paragraph.

All I have for you are some pet peeves of mine that I feel I must share in the hope the crowd that the unwashed masses of the city commuters may just clue in and think about the people around them.

– People randomly changing direction in crowds: I think you all know what I mean, look we are in a crowd, we all want to get somewhere can you choose not to change direction and make me trip over you, can’t you just filter to the side like everyone else.

– On the same topic, those people that just stop in the middle of the crowd, what the fuck is wrong with you, what makes you think that this is a good fucking idea, are you that mentally deficient that you think you are a ghost that people can walk through?

– At the lights, people who start at one side of the group crossing even though they know they need to get to the other side of the group once across, think about it people think about it hard for fuck sake.

– My number one pet peeve for crowds are slow ambling walkers, pick up the fucking pace man, pick it up, I hate nothing more than tripping under your feet and having to slow my own pace to a minimal walk. I am nearly 6ft and walk fast, I have a destination and i plan on getting there today, trying to slow my stride is not an easy thing, your feet I am sure can be picked up off the ground and moved, if not as fast as mine at least at a speed in general the same as the crowd. Further more when you do this in a flock, you run the risk of being killed by the people around you. If you are a slow walker and walk with other slow walkers then, pick up your act, walk in single file and don’t block the entire fucking path…….

I need to go have a chill out now!

Toilet behavior

Posted by Blokeman on January 17, 2008 under General Bloke Stuff | 2 Comments to Read

For those that know me well and on a personal level, they know that bathroom hygiene is a topic close to my heart, and one that I am passionate about, in face many of them have likely suffered and ear beating about washing their hands after using the facilities.

However this is in a slightly different line of thought and more towards certain behavior and  faux pas, in general just observations I have made in my many hours I have spent in there avoiding work.

I remember a time when I use to avidly avoid what i call the social shit, this is the situation where you use a public toilet. Years of working in an office have slowly whittled this fear away and I am now somewhat normal in this sense. However I still don’t understand those shameless few that can take a crap whilst there is a person crapping in the cubical right next to them. The reality is for all but a flimsy bit of chipboard you are at arms reach away from each other, yet they sit their straining and farting and having a good clean out with no shame what so ever.

In this situation I freeze, I even almost panic, i certainly can not get my bowels to move and spew forth my waste. This “deer in the headlights” reaction however poses me with a rather unique dilemma, one which triggers an inner turmoil for which I fight almost daily.
Do I sit and listen to them going for glory, in all its disgustingness, hearing their noises and breathing their anal fumes…..or do I halt my proceedings snap off what is left, wipe said excess, wash hands and exit the bathroom not fully satisfied, and plan a return in a quieter period of  play. or as a final option do I join in the chorus, build to a crescendo of air ripping bass and animalistic noises, that would do a timpani Orchestra proud.

The option that I generally go for here is freeze, sweat dripping from my brow as I clench cheeks and try to prevent that “rip and pop” dance track from my back passage, I figure how embarrassing.

Worse still is the exit from the bathroom, there is nothing worse in my book that having to crap with someone in the room, but it can be only matched by wiping away, standing adjusting trow and exiting with a satisfied look on your face as another member of staff strolls in and chokes back on their gag reflex due to your fumes, your face goes red as you head to the basin, wash your hands and run off to cry at your desk, certain that your office social career will be forever doomed with the time “I went to the bathroom after you”, oh the shame!

But wait, here is some bonus for you. Personally I hate to not be occupied with some activity as tiny as that may be, so generally i see a visit to the porcelain telephone a good opportunity to catch up on some reading or to play a game on my mobile phone. The problem here generally I plop away, finish but before getting up I “Have to finish this chapter” or I have to get passed this level and so on, the end result being a 15 – 20 minute bathroom visit, I stand after completing my hygiene routine, only to find that my foot or leg has gone to sleep, so I have to exit the bathroom trying to disguise a quite visible limp, what must go through their heads, especially when someone enters as you exit the cubicle satisfied smile on your face and a rather dodgy limp……..

The final thing that I would like to mention today is Urinal etiquette,  whilt I know everyone has a fair idea on these and that everyone sticks to them more or less and I do not wish to re-hash old ideas, in my office building in the bathroom there are 2 wall unit urinals which means 2 places to piss, however, one is in an alcove and the other is directly next to this, which means that if I use the one in the alcove, and someone stands next to me in the other one, I will have to wait for them to complete their task at hand before I am able to move away from the urinal and wash my hands and exit. So people if you are ever in my building or in a bathroom with a similar set-up can we all acknowledge the fact, that although there are two wall units, it really is a one person facility…please…..please….please (as you can guess this happened to me recently, and I still feel dirty, hollow and dead inside.)

What an “A”-Grade knob

Posted by Blokeman on January 15, 2008 under General Bloke Stuff | Be the First to Comment

This kid is an absolute 100% knob, I mean in reality little more needs to be said, but he is the poster-boy for why Abortions should be both supported and encouraged. People like him make me long for the days predicted in Soylent Green, a time when we can ship the delinquents off and have them made in to tasty treats to ease any food crisis that may come along.

He embodies everything that is wrong with the fluro wearing, tight jean wearing generation. Whilst it is nothing different for a teenager to think they know everything, think they are more intelligent than and above everyone else. The difference is that my generation were at least armed with some knowledge and at least a little respect for everyone else around us.

Yes indeedy, this kid should be put on Posters with slogans like “Abortion, is it really so bad?”, “If your child looks like this, consider a vasectomy”, “Lost: 1 sense of reality, if found please return along with a thorough ass kicking and non-fluorescent clothing”.

Please someone teach this kid a lesson or two he really needs it, because if he has just 10 friends like that I fear for my future children and the world they will be brought in to.