Grasshoppers, did you know they bite?

Posted by Blokeman on December 7, 2007 under General Bloke Stuff | 30 Comments to Read


Look, I am not scared to admit it, but some things just creep me out. As much as being a bloke is important, somethings just don’t fall under that umbrella, and to me that is Grasshoppers. These creepy disgusting insects, are quite clearly the spawn of Satan and should be eradicated from this earth or at least treated with a fair amount of disdain and CAUTION.

My mates oft find it bizarre that I can fear and dislike these things so much but little do they know, these bastards bite!

Not only do they bite, I am sure not many of you have seen this but they also have this horrible weird brown penis like extension that comes out near its stomach and probes around, if it is a dick, well these bastards are well hung as well.

I use to be a normal kid and have no fear of grasshoppers, insects, spiders and all the stuff boys get into, then sometime in my late teens and early twenties, I was living in a flat with my then girlfriend, a flat I like to call Grasshopper Place. Why? Because it seems they were the actual lease holders of the flat and not us. There were hundreds of the creepy little freaks. There you would be minding your own business asleep and happy for it, then you would wake up, open your eyes only to be met by the evil red eyes of anywhere up to 10 grasshoppers looking at you with an interest that can only be described as carnivorous. They weren’t small either, the smalles would have been around 5cm long with a rage in it’s eyes. They would jump at you randomly, bite you and rub their penis extension on you with delight. 6 months I spent in grasshopper hell, 6 months!

So reasons to hate Grashoppers:
1 – They bite
2 – They jump at you in the middle of the night
3 – They rub their penis thing all over you
4 – They are better endowed than me.

Views All Time
Views Today
  • Brad Rodcen said,

    I had never heard of a grasshopper that bites till last night, though I have found a lot of strange bugs since I moved to Arizona. This thing actually bent itself almost in half to bite me…Damn thing got itself killed

  • Josue Gomez said,

    I have bean studying bugs all my life and i do know this about grasshoppers.They do bite, but not near powerful enough to penetrate your first layer of skin.Their eyes (like all eyes) are for seeing not to stare through your soul. And their “penis” is probably just poop.

  • Entomologists have such a whacky sense of humour | Blokeman said,

    […] in the distant past I received the following comment just last week “Josue Gomez Says: July 19th, 2008 at 4:15 pm e I have bean studying bugs all my life and i do know this about grasshoppers.They do bite, but not […]

  • Bobbin said,

    Grasshoppers do bite. I’ve just been bitten by one of these little buggers today. It actually hurts a lot!! Even now, like, an hour after, it still hurts… and I’ve even got a few bite marks as a souvenier :/

  • Daniel said,

    Well bro, that indeed was one of the funniest things I think i’ve ever read.

  • mark said,

    i couldnt agree more and remember it was a plague of the things in the bible that destroyed egypt. I am fully afraid of the things. the other day i went to hang out my washing and there was one on the path so i had to just wait an hour until it left.

    Mind you i scuba and will swim with sharks, its just that grasshoppers and crickets make sudden moves and they are unpredictable. I will not watch Pinnochio because of jiminy cricket TRUE

  • Karaa and Lauraa said,

    well i got bitten todayy too but i dont think they rubb ther pieners on me or lauraa…well lets just say theyll have a nice trip to grasshopper heavenn…distgusting little bug guts thing!

  • Steve said,

    I suppose there are quite a few different types of grasshopper. I can’t recall being bitten by one though, even though I have handled quite a few. The worst I’ve noticed is they emit a brown liquid when picked up. (they are superb bait for stream trout). If a program of insect eradication were carried out, I would much better like it to be aimed at biting mosquitos, fleas, and cockroaches. I haven’t heard that grasshoppers carry any diseases like those mentioned, and I would guess there are any number of fish and fowl which depend on them for food. In fact, I’ve heard that some people eat them.

  • Dolly said,

    My husband thought I was lieing when a grasshopper jumped in the air and landed on my face I wasn’t scared because i tought that they didn’t bite but when i tried to knock it off it bite my lip.

  • houndead said,

    This is all stupid! ok lets start by teling that the grass hoppers are not dangerous.First of all the guy up says that they must stop to exist! why that?? because have more legs? because its smaller? because have strange alien like eyes? because have wings? I dont get it! i gaught all the time in my hands grass hoppers and not even one time they bite me,i have even try to put my finger on the mouth force the poor bug to bite,but nothing! at least it try to ruled by fear.Seckondly i have never see one with red eyes and this thing that the guy above mention on the back of the insects belly,its not a peniss,that thing the most of the females has it and thats for storing the eggs to the ground.(and im not even a scientist) they guy above probably wants to scare people with a horror flick spoof and not describe the insect as it is.And if we take the biblical scale from the faraoh years ago,those creatures was send from god to punish theys king and not to kill the people.They are godly creations like you and me and nothing more.

  • houndead said,

    Ofcourse they might be some kinds out there in other countries that bites a litle,but not enought to cause any diseases or make youu bleed to death!

  • Blokeman said,

    It’s funny how some people completely miss things of humour

  • Joel said,

    I had two of them latch onto my forearm and wouldn’t let go. once I pulled them loose I had two large red marks that stayed sore for days!

  • krystal said,

    They r insects n I hate any insect they r all disgusting ewwwww

  • Tamara said,

    They totally bite, bit my daughter this nice straight line that was broken through just a bit. We were both shocked. Also this beetle that hangs around our house stings like a bee, and ANTS! OMG don’t get me started on ANTS, they are gonna take over the world. Those bastards are creepy, and their bites last for weeks!! The apocalyps is going to be from insects taking over the world!!!

  • anony mous said,

    um… obviously that was a crappy place you lived at that so many bugs could get into. but… seriously if a 2inch long bug is better endowed with penis than you, you may have a problem most other men do not.
    i had pet grasshoppers as a child never got bit, of course i was cautious and didnt handle them with plant juice all over my hands. it is possible for them to bite but i doubt an aclimated, properly fed and gently handled grasshopper would pose any threat to anyone.
    i have seen grasshoppers bite eachothers teath off because they smell and taste like plants to eachother and by the time they realised they were not face to face with a plant, it was too late and already a fight, damn hard to break up sometimes and ya their teeth are larger than those of a queen ant which can bite pretty damn hard if you piss her off.

  • anony mous said,

    just as a side note, crickets do bite, i feed the bastards to my rats. yumm protein treat

  • TheRapist said,

    I think you are the one that’s rubbing your penis on them.

  • Jiggaboo John said,

    LMFAO, that just made my day man. Oh you crack my balls up, fuck.

  • denzel key said,


  • Lu said,

    Omg!! A huge brown grasshopper bit me. The bite felt nearly as painful as a wasp sting. I’ve been told to apply chlorine to a bite and the pain would disappear and so far it has worked. However, my fear of these grasshoppers is now worse than ever.

  • benbenbenben said,

    Dude grasshoppers can hurt you I just got bit and it drew blood. New found respect for these violent fuckers

  • Blokeman said,

    No-one believed me for the longest time, but man I hate the little buggers, I have been bitten by them way too many time, evil spawn of satan they are

  • Blokeman said,

    The bites don’t pose any threat, I just hate the little bastards, I am kind of against being bitten by animals and these things creep me out. It seems you may have missed the obvious satirical tone to the blog post thoug hmmmm

  • Blokeman said,

    respect? no respect, they are evil eeeevviiilllllllllll

  • Wayne said,

    That, princess, is what i thoghut would be the answer. Just keep tossing grasshoppers into the web. Two yesterday, one today. Still fresh wings on the porch this afternoon. It’s almost funny watching him spit out the wings.Sandy also thoghut the same, just let it be. She does not bear the burden of dozens of butterfly souls I lured to their horrid deaths in the monstrous jaws of what is becoming a giant spider.Could you see by the picture where he took up residence? When he gets a bit bigger, I’ll get a picture of me in my chair and Billy Bob behind my shoulder.

  • dave said,

    Grasshoppers!!! Good god, you need to come to Wales if you want to see real grasshoppers.

    Those little things they’ve got in Australia that carry their young in a pouch are put to shame when these buggers here come leaping out of the Welsh lawns during mowing time. Bite! be buggered, a poor neighbour of ours was savaged to death just the other sunday morning after his wife had complained that the grass was beginning to spoil the view. He was putting the very last stripe on his beautiful lawn when this THING!! came bounding out of the uncut bit. Apparently, it had been watching him for some time, and had been crouching in the long grass waiting for the mower to get in range when it pounced.
    A neighbour, who had also been attacked recently, was watching fearfully from his re-inforced bay window as the vicious assault took place. He sobbed in the coroners court when he described what happened, and was the only witness to the savage rape and murder of this poor gardener.

    Since that incident I have tarmac’d the whole of my garden.

  • Gohar ali said,

    what is the medication if grass hooper bites you urgent ??

  • Jason said,

    I have only what I can describe as a gigantic swarm of baby grasshoppers, not hundreds but thousands of these things consuming everything in their path. They chewed rhubarb leafs and plant down to the veins of the leaves. They demolished one of two strings of squash I planted. Long story short they bite and leave a similar bite like a mosquito only slightly larger. They sting at first hurt for few hours, then itch like hell!! As of yet I have found no way to kill them without spraying my tomato plants, squash, beans, peas,green pepper plants. I eat everything in that garden and yes it gets washed, however I can’t wash what is absorbed by the leaves and what not.. Any ideas???

  • AlaBos said,

    Ahhhhh…. thank you for that. I needed a good belly laugh today. Sorry some blokes can’t see the humor in a good story. I for one don’t mind them, I pluck them off my garden plants and feed them to my chickens who rather enjoy them. It is quite amusing to me also watching them catch them as well. I can’t say if they bite because I’ve never been bit myself. I run more of a risk getting bitten from the chickens taking them from me than the grasshopper itself. I live in central Kansas, maybe they’re different here. Anyway, again thank you. I definitely had a lol moment.

Add A Comment